Every random thing seems to still bring up memories and remind me of happy times. While I know that the relationship was less than great, I still miss him. Actually i miss him like crazy. He was my best friend. I loved to spend time with him, and laugh with him. I didn’t care what we were doing if i was with him i was happy. I would be lying if at this moment I told you that I didn’t still want him to be the man that I one day marry. We went through so much together and I held on tight refusing to let go for fear of losing him. I tried so hard to change him, and every effort ended in failure with me throwing my hands up in the air and giving up.
If I could go back, I would have let go a long time ago. But I can’t go back. I need to move forward and moving forward means letting go now. For me, it means letting go of trying to be in control. I am powerless. I need to surrender. All I can do is trust and believe that God is working. I don’t know how and I definitely can’t see it in the moments of hurt and pain and confusion and disappointment, but God is working. With faith I choose to believe that God is working. And this time I need to wait on him and allow him to be in control, instead of stepping back in and taking the reins as I always do. For once my focus needs to be on changing me. I can’t change anyone else but me.
I pray that God would give me peace in this moment. Peace in knowing that I am his princess and he has a good plan – the best plan for my life. He has an amazing man for me, and I do not need to be in control of making it happen. It is not up to me to find me a man or transform a man into my boyfriend. I do not need to focus or stress about how it is going to happen. I just need to trust that God is going to fulfill the plan he has for my life because he said that is what he is going to do.
I don’t understand why I am in this season but I do know that every beautiful gem has gone through an intense refining process. That’s the season I am in and I can choose to fight it, try to be in control and continue to feel frustration and anxiety or I can choose to surrender. I admit that I am human and daily I need God’s help to stay positive and focus on him.
If you feel like me, I pray that you would have the strength to continually believe and tell yourself that God is working. When you start to doubt, remind yourself that God is working. When you feel hopeless, remind yourself that God is working. His peace passes all understanding, so choose to walk in that instead of anxiety.
You are his beloved.