Gotta Let Go

Every random thing seems to still bring up memories and remind me of happy times. While I know that the relationship was less than great, I still miss him. Actually i miss him like crazy. He was my best friend. I loved to spend time with him, and laugh with him. I didn’t care what we were doing if i was with him i was happy. I would be lying if at this moment I told you that I didn’t still want him to be the man that I one day marry. We went through so much together and I held on tight refusing to let go for fear of losing him. I tried so hard to change him, and every effort ended in failure with me throwing my hands up in the air and giving up.

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If I could go back, I would have let go a long time ago. But I can’t go back. I need to move forward and moving forward means letting go now. For me, it means letting go of trying to be in control. I am powerless. I need to surrender. All I can do is trust and believe that God is working. I don’t know how and I definitely can’t see it in the moments of hurt and pain and confusion and disappointment, but God is working. With faith I choose to believe that God is working. And this time I need to wait on him and allow him to be in control, instead of stepping back in and taking the reins as I always do. For once my focus needs to be on changing me. I can’t change anyone else but me.

I pray that God would give me peace in this moment. Peace in knowing that I am his princess and he has a good plan – the best plan for my life. He has an amazing man for me, and I do not need to be in control of making it happen. It is not up to me to find me a man or transform a man into my boyfriend. I do not need to focus or stress about how it is going to happen. I just need to trust that God is going to fulfill the plan he has for my life because he said that is what he is going to do.

I don’t understand why I am in this season but I do know that every beautiful gem has gone through an intense refining process. That’s the season I am in and I can choose to fight it, try to be in control and continue to feel frustration and anxiety or I can choose to surrender. I admit that I am human and daily I need God’s help to stay positive and focus on him.

If you feel like me, I pray that you would have the strength to continually believe and tell yourself that God is working. When you start to doubt, remind yourself that God is working. When you feel hopeless, remind yourself that God is working. His peace passes all understanding, so choose to walk in that instead of anxiety.

You are his beloved.

Anatomy of a Break-up

First week post breakup. Totally exhausting. Not only am I trying to deal with all of my own emotions, but also trying to keep it all together and be social and not wear my heart on my sleeve. On any given day, my emotions went from feeling sad, to feeling triumphant, to crying, to totally believing and telling myself that the best is yet to come! I went from missing him to being so angry at him, to feeling totally confused by him, to being mad at myself. One minute I’m texting that I’ll leave him alone, the next I’m telling him that I miss him (not good, I know).  I went from having the courage to delete his contact history and new phone number from my phone to finding it again on my phone bill within an hour.  My emotions are everywhere. And you know what? That is ok. I’m proud of myself for making it through the first week. Although I did shirk some of my responsibilities and commitments (cough..work..cough), I made it though the week. And that is a truly amazing feat.

If you are going through a breakup, I want to tell you that you are doing great. What you are going through is not easy, but you are going to be ok! I know your heart feels like it has been broken into a million tiny pieces. But I also want you to know and have faith that you WILL meet an amazing man that will love you just as you are, unconditionally, until death do you part! And that alone makes it worth getting through this!

I personally, just can’t wait to meet the incredible man that God has for me. And to know that I will get to spend every day of my life in love with a man that is so in love with me, just excites me.

Didn’t [choose] to See it Coming

Regardless of how this break-up came about, I was not prepared for it at all. My (ex)boyfriend and I had just come back from a great trip to Vegas together. We attended a business conference there and were excited to begin building our business together.  I hadn’t even finished unpacking before we were already broken up….again.

We had only been together again for a few weeks. He had just moved back home after spending five months overcoming his drug and alcohol addiction.  Long story short, about the time he was heading home we both decided we need to work on ourselves. I was just finding myself again, and discovering who I was outside of a relationship. He needed to do the same. I was doing great. Because I hadn’t seen him in a couple months, moving on this time was easier than it had ever been in the past. I was so proud of myself. I was ok with just being friends, and waiting to see what direction his life was going to take. I was finding out who I was.

And then one day, about a week after he came home, he wanted to be with me again. Suddenly he cared about me again. He started to pursue me!  And it felt amazing. He made time for me, and we looked forward to spending time together.  He expressed how much he hated drinking, and how he wasn’t going back to it.  Yes! He talked about how much he loved his family, and how focussed he was on becoming his best self. He was committed to going to counselling to overcome issues from his childhood that have influenced his life for a long time. Finally! He was becoming the person I had waited so long for him to become. Things were looking up and I was feeling encouraged and hopeful that the man I had loved for so long was finally going to be able to love me back.

I was hesitant though, about rushing back into a relationship. I wanted to wait and see whether his talk was cheap or if he was actually willing to consistently make the sacrifices he talked about making in order for our relationship to work. But he relentlessly pursued me and I felt adored, and wanted, and special.  It felt so wonderful that I decided that I wanted to be his girl…again. The first few weeks were amazing. Then his desire to be able to drink again returned. No big deal, I could let it go, although it bothered and worried me. Then he started to work at a new job. Great, he could start getting ahead again. But then, slowly, I became less important, and work became most important. Quality time together faded, deep conversations about life became difficult to have.  He felt controlled because he knew how I felt about his drinking.  And then we went to Vegas together. It was amazing.  Of course, once we returned, the effort to have any quality time together ceased. He was focussed on work, working down time, overtime, any and as much time as possible. That was fine, I could understand the desire to get ahead. He was living with his mom and needed to pay off some debt, get his own place, and re-establish himself. But he never made that extra effort to spend time with me anymore. He never mentioned anything about being excited to have a day off to spend time with me. He worked seven days a week, and decided he would rather work a statutory holiday, than spend the day and celebrate it with me. I no longer felt important, or special, or valued. I felt lonely. He was living a lifestyle meant for a single person, and definitely not one that worked with a girlfriend whose love language is quality time.

And so it ended. Suddenly and abrupt, in a mess of text messages. I wondered if he had time for a relationship and asked if we should just be friends for a bit. He told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He felt like he couldn’t be himself, and that I was out to get him. He said it was never going to work, and he confirmed it in his facebook message that stated how he would never go back to his past relationship, which was the definition of insanity. My heart sunk. My eyes welled up with tears. I couldn’t believe it. In less than one week I had gone from being the person he loved and wanted to spend his life with, to him not even wanting to speak to me.

I have spent the past 2.5 years of my life in this cycle – waiting and wishing for the person I love to make me a priority in his life. To put me above drinking, to make time for me despite work, to make me part of his life. I have cried more tears in 2.5 years than probably my whole life combined.  And so I should be ready to move on and move forward. But despite all of that, this was the man I imagined my future with, the man that had just weeks ago been so crazy about me. Now he doesn’t want me. And that hurts. Alot.